You know what's funny 

In ""today's world""" I wouldn't seem TOO crazy to think that everything I type is logged somehow, somewhere, by somewhoknows what,  and a lot of people seem to know that's the case

But I'm not shutting up yet. Don't care a lot.

And it's not so 'out there, ' to believe in the chance that someone who knows you somewhere between a little and a lot will find all your shit in an instant

Still not gonna shut my tropp. 

I'm gonna type a little cheerier soon, I think, so hold on for that 

Can't see what i'm typing,  I'm gonna look 

This Is All For Me

And again, there's a title, it's there, and not where it should be, because fuck Google.

This blogging is not really for you to enjoy. I try to make is readable and structure it for some level of enjoyment, but I'm doing this all for me. Reasons should probably be obvious. A self psychiatric sort of thing. Also boredom cure. Also meager writing practice. Also potentially one of the few things I leave behind. Also a sad scrapbook. Also .. i thought I could get one more in, but I suppose that covers it. If I think of it I'll add it later OH WAIT, I CAN'T, BECAUSE I CAN'T EDIT ANYTHING BECAUSEFUCKGOOGLE FUCK GOOGLE FUUUCCKKEMMMM.

The plan now is to talk about my girlfriend, since that will probably be what I talk about a lot, since I barely even talk to anyone else. For a lot of people that would say that or something similar, it'd be an exaggeration, but not for me. I will talk to Maiden or Bob once every couple of months and that's it.

I don't really know exactly how girlfriend and I met. Sometimes people just sort of float in. I used to see her on the bus. She'd be going to work, I'd be going, well, who the hell knows. But I took the bus a lot. I'd see her and kind of wonder about her a little bit, but I wasn't attracted to her. I would've fucked her, or try to do the things that lead to that, but only because, well, sex. Not out of attraction. If I were attracted to her back then, I bet I would've tried something, even though that's largely out of character for me. Especially the back then version of me.

So I knew she existed, and one day Bob started talking about her as a potential.. something for him. He showed me pictures of her on facebook, and they were very flattering pictures, but they still didn't move the sexual attraction meter. Still, she knows how to take a nice picture of herself, or at least find the best ones of the lot and upload them. Even Bob didn't seem convinced, he was saying stuff like "she looks pretty good, right?" But I could tell he wasn't overly into it. I gave him lukewarm "yeah"s.

She's, you know, cute, I guess, like a doll or something, but that's about as complimentary as I'd go. She looks sweet. She outweighs me by a lot, but she used to be bigger. She has really nice hair, she dyes it blond and pretends she's really blond. Like, she has herself convinced, too. Whatever.

She has one of the worst mouths. Yellow, weird teeth, gummy smile. Sort of an equine laugh at times. Her tits are horrible, but thankfully I'm not into that. I like feet. Her feet are bad too.

And back to the mouth again, goddamn does her breath stink sometimes. Very often. She's very into nice smells so it blows my mind that she can't smell her own mouth. Of course I haven't said shit. Once, her breath smelled like beer, and I hadn't been drinking so the smell was a little more bothersome to me than it would've been otherwise. I told her and she cried. It had nothing to do with her actual breath, just her drink, and she still cried. So, so much for me ever smelling good breath again, I suppose. At first, I used to kiss her voraciously. Just one of my many early bad decisions with her. Now, she wonders why I don't anymore. I loved kissing, once. Now even kissing a clean, sweet smelling mouth just seems gross.

Eventually we were hanging out. She liked me, and it was obvious. She invited me out for a beer, I said yeah, sure. She started making moves on me. I doubt she'd ever done that before to ANYbody, but she figured I was special. And attractive, at least to her. So things progressed naturally, the way they do.

Maybe two months later I wrote "I [heart] YOU" on a little piece of paper and gave it to her. She still has it.

Some of the smarter readers can probably map out nearly everything that's happened since. Me feigning intetest, her pleading for more love.. it's fucking sad and she doesn't deserve it. Not really. But boy can she be fucking hellish sometimes too, moments that make me feel like I should grab my shit and leave right then and there. And she'd have it coming. She knows what not to do and still keeps jumping on those buttons. It's kind of unbelievable.

But in her heart she is good. And if I left she'd be shattered. I'm obviously ass at being a boyfriend, but I still don't know if she could do a lot better. We have a certain compatibility still, we just sit around and smoke weed... which I know isn't terribly uncommon, but. Buut. I'm stuck here, trying to segue into the fact that 1) potential other man would have to find her attractive and 2) the type that would say "eh, good enough", they're the dregs, like I am. But I'm at least, you know, a thinker of sorts, and I can't imagine her having another boyfriend that isn't kind of a maroon.

Basically what I'm saying there is that if I leave, it's not the best thing for her. Her heart would be broken, she'd doubt her ability to find someone else (she IS smart) and.. I don't think she'd get over it. She'd find a guy that beats her. Or loves Jeff Dunham. Life can be unfair like that. I know that it would be to her, save for a miracle.

There's a lot of angles to this that are at war with each other. I could tell you like ten things right now that are good enough reasons for me to high tail it. Even one of those ten may be enough. But logic is simple, and this isn't.

And I haven't even mentioned how if I moved, neither of us could pay rent.

And that's the killer, the cherry on top. This is a textbook example of "don't lead someone on" and "go with your gut" and "don't throw love around lightly"  and all sorts of other shit.

So why in the world did I do this..

I said before that she's only the third girl I've had sex with. Desperation. Any port in a storm. GOD fucking DAMMIT, I had a bachelor pad in swinging Hometown, with guys I would have been comfortable fucking around, and I got noooothhing!!

So girlfriend comes along.. at first her personality was like, 99% great, and at this point it's more like 60%. I looked past looks and said "well hey, she's really fucking cool"..

.. hey you dumb asshole, she was TRYING to make you think that for the sake of DATING YOU.

so So SO stupid.

I can live with "she's a bitch, but I like the sex"

I can live with "she's not the prettiest, but I love her dearly"

As of now, I can't live.

So I just want to note real quick that my writing is going to be especially shit using memo, because I can only see like 15 words on my screen at a time. It throws me off. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. I lose the BIG PICTURE of whatever paragraph I'm working on. Sorry for sucking.

I'm not sure this'll get posted tonight, but I'm typing it just after finishing my last entry. I have a lot of free time at this job. I'm a clerk at a convenience store in downtown Hometown. Been here since February 2014 and it is a fantastic job.

Since I reread my old entries, here's a couple tings - My depressed friend from the last entry is Maiden, from a few entries ago. The girl asshole is Maggie, from a few entries ago. If I didn't hide their names before, why start? They both largely don't go by those names anymore anyway. If more names come up I won't be.shy withem.

The Celtics are good. Some power ranking today had them 5th in the league, which is wrong and hilarious, but nice. The Warriors almost had theirwin streak broken in Boston, 2 overtimes, but they won. Lost the next night in Milwaukee so now they're 24-1, incredible. The Celtics are probably like the 12th best team, not 5th, but that Warriors game got them some attention. The team is so likeable, every single player could be like the 4th best player on a championship team, which is strange. Strange to have almost no players worse than that and none that are better than that. I have a ton of faith in Smart, Bradley, Turner, Olynyk, Crowder. Just slightly less in Amir Johnson, Sullinger, Thomas.. Isaiah Thomas is our best offensive player seemingly, but I think he's peaking right now. He's my height. There are more reasons than that, but that is one. He could be the 2nd option on a title team maybe, if your #1 guy is Durant or Harden or something. But ehn. Btw that "slightly less" list is still really good, I'm just not totally COMPLETELY sold on that lot. Even the players I didn't mention are all pretty ok. Good team.

At this point I'm probably better off not getting overlyheavy with what I'm getting into this entry. I just don't want any entry to be too lengthy. This has been a good little odds and ends session though. Adequate.

Hey how about a really fast synopsis of the stuff about my life that I haven't mentioned

Hey how about no question mark

Ok

That job I had when I started this blog was at Goodwill, in case I didn't mention it before. I mentioned San, so I can leave that alone. The only other girlfriend I've had is the one I'm with now, going on.. I think 4 years with her now, it sucks. So I've only had sex with them and one other oneoff okcupid encounter. Like I said in my two-1-subject-notebook- long suicide note I started a year ago, yes, it does fucking matter.

After GW I was jobless for a long time. Just a dick, living off of his parents, even though they could barely scrape by even if I wasn't there. I found another job at another thrift store in September of..  fuck I used to know this! 2010 I guess. And I've been working ever since, thank God. Sometimes I'll capitalize God. When I feel it.

The thrift store job was alternately good and bad. Lots of pros and cons. Lots of heartbreaks and victories. In hindsight it was a blast. But I worked like a dog. Never tired, I was.an.animal. Those periods were unintended, but I like them.

I was honestly the mvp at many points in that store. Then I was denied a promotion and got salty and went job hunting. That's why I'm here, at my dream job.

Less than a year into the second thrift store job, my parents moved halfway across the country. My sister, who is 3 years older (more factsz - I'm 29 now), was there, along with her husband and my new-at-the-time nephew. I could have gone, but I doubted my ability to find a job out there and I was envisioning myself being a bym again. Especially with no car.

 That's when I moved back to Hometown to live with Bob and Maiden. Ludicrously cheap rent, even before it was split three ways, but we only had one big living room, one normal bedroom, bathroom ,and a tiny kitchen. And ceilings under 6 feet high. It was a blast regardless. Not for Maiden, but Bob and I had a good time.

 Between my job (where every day was sort of like an 8 hour long conversation with various coworkers) and my newfound sorta popularity in Hometown (for.. reasons, just know it had nothing to do with my sparkling personality), I shed my superintrovertedness and became what I am now - just mildly introverted. When it's time to converse with people, I'm actually, like, a fucking human. I still hate all of the other humans, but still, I can be normal.

Through Bob and a little bit of that Hometown popularity, I met my current girlfriend. I eventually moved out of Hometown, moved in with Shannon and Steve in uh, 2nd Hometown. That was a bad living situation. Well, not bad til girlfriend moved in with me. Things got tense, then. Almost none of it was my fault, but that didn't matter.

Girlfriend's dad had to sell his house in Hometown because of high taxes, and he bought a BIGASS house in (spoilers) Currenttown. We moved into there in June. We have our own apartment within the house. It's perfect. My job is perfect, my house is perfect, and I'm barely hanging on.

Now we're at today.

And Down Goes The Internet

You like that? That's supposed to be a title. I'm sure that I CAN add a title, but thanks to blogspot being an unviewable piece of shit on my phone, I can't even tell how the hell to make it one. I can't actually see the words I'm typing, for Jesus Christ's Sake. I'm not IN blogspot at the moment, just the memo app in my phone, since this fucking works, since it's not associated with fucking Google. Yet.

The title is meant to be about how shitty the internet is, not the internet being down or whatever, and Google is part of what's fucking it up so badly. I'm an idiot on the more intricate details of the subject, I just know that every time Google assimilates something it turns into a turd. A Stupid Piece of Shit that Doesn't Fucking Work. Nothing like trying to log into an old account on some website like blogspot, seeing it's now google, then having the massive runaround, giving then your phone number (fuck you forever), one big fuckin hassle, then you can't see shit, so you're in god damn MEMO typing your fucking blog. Quick aside, no bold or italic in memo so expect a lot of THIS. 

Not only is the internet a mess by being pounded by google or facebook at every turn, but for the most part I simply don't. . I don't know, I want to say I don't like it, but it's only somewhat true. The internet doesn't feel like it's mine anymore. It's not for me. It's for everyone. And I'm fucked, so I feel like I'm not everyone. I spend so so many hours on reddit, and have for the last few years. A lot of really likeminded people at reddit, but they're also ... usually they make me feel inferior. Everyone's a genius. I know that's false. But.. fuck they're all just so eloquent, in a way, I mean sure there's a lot of faggot this and nword that, and idiotic lunacy, but they can all write. They can all spell. They all know things. Experts on et cetera. They just.. function. They're all like better mes. Obviously racists and morons and trolls aren't better than me, but I feel like I must be bottom rung in the world of "literate internet", the people who get on it and write real paragraphs. It's my life story in a nutshell, the whole "too smart to be stupid, too stupid to be smart" thing. I almost said quandary, or something almost synonymous, but I didn't want you to try to think I was attempting smart.

So what was once my refuge is now where I go to feel mediocre to below average about every part of myself, but I still do it because I have nothing else. Not many real life people that I talk to. Hell, I don't actually talk to "people" on the internet either, not like before. Like Sara. (I'm pretty sure I never showed anyone this blog ao I can safely get away with this) We used to talk for hours almost every day, but not anymore, for a couple of reasons, the simpler one being that there's no easy way to do it on a phone. The more complicated reason is that she's kind of a nut, even if we're a lot alike. I won't get into it. It'll be a bore. I'm a man, she isn't, ______ ______, fill in the blanks.

I used to have this really close knit group I was a part of, real life people and all. One was an asshole that ended up ripping me off and threatening me, another was an asshole that I pursued in a romantic way, like an idiot, then once that wasn't really so anymore more shit happened, and now we don't talk. Another two of them were a couple, and I still like the guy, but my opinion of the girl took a nosedive after she became a roommate, and later a coworker. The last of the six, other than me, is also an ex roommate, but he's great.

I had an interesting talk through texts with him recently. He's depresssed. Quick life history on this guy - he fell and broke his arm as a kid, some shit happened, and his dad ended up suing an insurance company (I think) for him. Run on sentence from here on out, the lawsuit meant he got, I dunno, at least $30,000 from ages 18-21, so he dropped out (he amazingly probably only went to like 100 days of high school), eventually got an apartment, blew all his money on bills (didn't work), booze, and musical equipment that he'd pawn once he got sick of it. Oh and he had met Steve, the guy in that couple I mentioned, and he started doing a lot of Robitussin. I did a little, but not like him. He probably fucked up his brain. He's different now. This, compounded with hearing loss (which he has since fixed), led to him getting on disability. For "ADD". He ended up dating a woman that has kids nearly his age, who is disgusting and literally mentally handicapped, and basically a joke throughout town. So at this point everyone's like "this kid is fucking weird", and eventually they break up (after a few YEARS). He gets off of disability, gets a job at a bar as a dishwasher. This was a year, year.5 ago. 

And now he's depressed. He feels guilt that he was on disability, for one, and I get it, but.. it just seems so unlike him to care about that stuff. Other people's opinions always seemed to just bounce off of him. And I get the principle of the thing, he feels like he didn't deserve the money he got, but really, that money is a drop in the bucket of the economy. He probably got a millionth of a penny from every working citizen. Big deal. And it's over.

But he kept alluding to something else that was really bothering him, and it seemed like he didn't want to say, but I knew. That friggin lady, the horrible one. Whhyyyy. This is just a theory, but I know it's true - he doesn't think he can do better. Honestly, as long as he doesn't try, he can't. But if he did try, he could. And since I knew what he was really depressed about, I told him how much I'm jealous of him that he's single. It's true. But he will do nothing but sit and drink and cry until he gets that literally retarded old woman back into his life.

Bob confirmed to me that indeed, the woman is what is bothering him. He wants Bob to set them back up. Bob wasn't one of the original six, but he's one of my best friends (note: all of my friends are mentioned in this paragraph) . I was roommates with Bob and the fretter, and that was the best time of my life. Maybe I'll wrote about it. It was the last time I was single. My only regret is not having any sex that whole time. I barely tried. And now I'm in lockdown.

Ok, I've obviously been leading up to bitching about my girlfriend, but this entry is obviously too long. Next time I'll get into that, and why I'm back here. And the Celtics, because tradition.