This Is All For Me

And again, there's a title, it's there, and not where it should be, because fuck Google.

This blogging is not really for you to enjoy. I try to make is readable and structure it for some level of enjoyment, but I'm doing this all for me. Reasons should probably be obvious. A self psychiatric sort of thing. Also boredom cure. Also meager writing practice. Also potentially one of the few things I leave behind. Also a sad scrapbook. Also .. i thought I could get one more in, but I suppose that covers it. If I think of it I'll add it later OH WAIT, I CAN'T, BECAUSE I CAN'T EDIT ANYTHING BECAUSEFUCKGOOGLE FUCK GOOGLE FUUUCCKKEMMMM.

The plan now is to talk about my girlfriend, since that will probably be what I talk about a lot, since I barely even talk to anyone else. For a lot of people that would say that or something similar, it'd be an exaggeration, but not for me. I will talk to Maiden or Bob once every couple of months and that's it.

I don't really know exactly how girlfriend and I met. Sometimes people just sort of float in. I used to see her on the bus. She'd be going to work, I'd be going, well, who the hell knows. But I took the bus a lot. I'd see her and kind of wonder about her a little bit, but I wasn't attracted to her. I would've fucked her, or try to do the things that lead to that, but only because, well, sex. Not out of attraction. If I were attracted to her back then, I bet I would've tried something, even though that's largely out of character for me. Especially the back then version of me.

So I knew she existed, and one day Bob started talking about her as a potential.. something for him. He showed me pictures of her on facebook, and they were very flattering pictures, but they still didn't move the sexual attraction meter. Still, she knows how to take a nice picture of herself, or at least find the best ones of the lot and upload them. Even Bob didn't seem convinced, he was saying stuff like "she looks pretty good, right?" But I could tell he wasn't overly into it. I gave him lukewarm "yeah"s.

She's, you know, cute, I guess, like a doll or something, but that's about as complimentary as I'd go. She looks sweet. She outweighs me by a lot, but she used to be bigger. She has really nice hair, she dyes it blond and pretends she's really blond. Like, she has herself convinced, too. Whatever.

She has one of the worst mouths. Yellow, weird teeth, gummy smile. Sort of an equine laugh at times. Her tits are horrible, but thankfully I'm not into that. I like feet. Her feet are bad too.

And back to the mouth again, goddamn does her breath stink sometimes. Very often. She's very into nice smells so it blows my mind that she can't smell her own mouth. Of course I haven't said shit. Once, her breath smelled like beer, and I hadn't been drinking so the smell was a little more bothersome to me than it would've been otherwise. I told her and she cried. It had nothing to do with her actual breath, just her drink, and she still cried. So, so much for me ever smelling good breath again, I suppose. At first, I used to kiss her voraciously. Just one of my many early bad decisions with her. Now, she wonders why I don't anymore. I loved kissing, once. Now even kissing a clean, sweet smelling mouth just seems gross.

Eventually we were hanging out. She liked me, and it was obvious. She invited me out for a beer, I said yeah, sure. She started making moves on me. I doubt she'd ever done that before to ANYbody, but she figured I was special. And attractive, at least to her. So things progressed naturally, the way they do.

Maybe two months later I wrote "I [heart] YOU" on a little piece of paper and gave it to her. She still has it.

Some of the smarter readers can probably map out nearly everything that's happened since. Me feigning intetest, her pleading for more love.. it's fucking sad and she doesn't deserve it. Not really. But boy can she be fucking hellish sometimes too, moments that make me feel like I should grab my shit and leave right then and there. And she'd have it coming. She knows what not to do and still keeps jumping on those buttons. It's kind of unbelievable.

But in her heart she is good. And if I left she'd be shattered. I'm obviously ass at being a boyfriend, but I still don't know if she could do a lot better. We have a certain compatibility still, we just sit around and smoke weed... which I know isn't terribly uncommon, but. Buut. I'm stuck here, trying to segue into the fact that 1) potential other man would have to find her attractive and 2) the type that would say "eh, good enough", they're the dregs, like I am. But I'm at least, you know, a thinker of sorts, and I can't imagine her having another boyfriend that isn't kind of a maroon.

Basically what I'm saying there is that if I leave, it's not the best thing for her. Her heart would be broken, she'd doubt her ability to find someone else (she IS smart) and.. I don't think she'd get over it. She'd find a guy that beats her. Or loves Jeff Dunham. Life can be unfair like that. I know that it would be to her, save for a miracle.

There's a lot of angles to this that are at war with each other. I could tell you like ten things right now that are good enough reasons for me to high tail it. Even one of those ten may be enough. But logic is simple, and this isn't.

And I haven't even mentioned how if I moved, neither of us could pay rent.

And that's the killer, the cherry on top. This is a textbook example of "don't lead someone on" and "go with your gut" and "don't throw love around lightly"  and all sorts of other shit.

So why in the world did I do this..

I said before that she's only the third girl I've had sex with. Desperation. Any port in a storm. GOD fucking DAMMIT, I had a bachelor pad in swinging Hometown, with guys I would have been comfortable fucking around, and I got noooothhing!!

So girlfriend comes along.. at first her personality was like, 99% great, and at this point it's more like 60%. I looked past looks and said "well hey, she's really fucking cool"..

.. hey you dumb asshole, she was TRYING to make you think that for the sake of DATING YOU.

so So SO stupid.

I can live with "she's a bitch, but I like the sex"

I can live with "she's not the prettiest, but I love her dearly"

As of now, I can't live.